BABYS 4 U by Zissou

So they were free. Yes, you could pick them by date of birth, skin color, DNA composition if you were rigorously selective or just by hand pick.
I choose mine Japanese and smart. Annika did not like it a bit, but hell I was going to have my own Japanese intelligent baby kid for just 45 euros. Even though the kid was free, the company made its profit by the charge of the delivery, for legal reasons I suppose. 30 days they said!! 30 god damened days not a day longer they promised!!!

I just could not wait!! Annika said I had become a little bit disturbing. She said all I talked about was this Japanese intelligent baby. She even doubt about it… How can you proof the baby is intelligent, it’s stupid! All I could do was wait for him and hope that on my first trail I could prove to the world that my baby was intelligent… a genius… A BARGAIN!

I can remember how it all started… I was browsing through the web one sleepless night, as Annika was dead sleeping all curled up on our bed. It was a cold night, a very cold night. I only had the light produced by my monitor and the heat of my PC that was comforting my feet. I Googled the words “Strange things to Buy” . I was planning on giving Annika a Christmas present.. something fun and not the ordinary crap everyone buys. Well the google finder came up with this:

WWW.STUPID.COM featuring: SWINE FLU KIT/ TATTOO SLEEVES/ OBAMA NATION CARD GAME/SLINGSHOT MONKEY (I actually considered buying this for her) /FINGER DRUMMER SET and the classic CHICKEN HAT.

WWW.SOAPCREATIVE.COM: NUDE SUITES/PANDA CHAIRS/TRENDY TOASTERS (whatsoever do you mean????)

WWW.RANDOM-GOOD-STUFF.COM: top ten weird things you can buy on AMAZON. In this site the best were the Wedding Chappel and Wolf Urine!!

Well as I browsed and clicked on the bunch of weird things I could find on-line I kept asking myself the same question??? WHO BUYS THIS CRAP!!!!!!
Until well… I answered to myself :

ME!!!!

I had found it… this was not for Annika, this was a present only for me!

There it read on the google OPTION bar it said.. www.babysryours.com.

A baby just for myself !!!!

The thing is they were on SPECIAL OFFER!!! FREEE!!!!!! I only had to pay for shipment and that was it. I was so excited. The web site was so easy to follow. The bays were exhibited as a web product catalog.

There was no apparent explanation of where the babies came from, nor why they were giving them away. I figured that they made profit from the delivery… but anyways I just ignored all the important details that darkened my excitement for having my own baby!!!

The catalog offered: Russian Blue Eyed Twins, Thailand Baby Singers, Maui Wuawi green eyed Girl baby, Mexican Luchador Extreme Baby Brown and so many other combinations It wasn’t easy making up my mind for one. But there I identified one far more interesting than the other… the profile read:

JAPANESE INTELLIGENT BABY
Weight: 3.200 kg
Height: s/n
Skin color: Japanese white
DNA: That of a smart baby

It was prefect!!! I always wanted an intelligent baby. These kind of babies have all the best features a baby can give a man. You don’t have to hustle on changing dippers or waiting till he sleeps till late night or even try to understand if he was hungry or not… IT COULD BE PROGRAMMED TO DO AS YOU PLEASE!!!

Intelligent baby GU GU (my first name approach) could pee when I said so or at least at the time he was taught to pee, sleep at night and be feed at the same time we ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. But well he was still a baby, even if he was that smart he would still need help from me. I mean how could he take care of himself.. with those tiny hands and tiny legs and finger? At least he would make my job and Annika’s easier (even if she did not agree with my purchase I was still considering her).

So there he was the perfect baby for me!!! A Japanese Intelligent Baby with code name HARIM878. I clicked on his picture.. So adorable. He even had tiny glasses on the picture to make him look even smarter….
Oh the cutenesss!!!!!

So I clicked on add to cart and followed the instructions….

Instruction num 1

I had to fill a form that included important information such as: Income, house owner papers, official identification card, passport number, address, phone number and all sorts of stupid information I had to give in order for them to approve my purchase.

Instruction num 2

Pay in advance the shipment of my new baby. In my case because the baby had to cross Asia for migratory and logistic reason he was double the price… so I paid around 45 euros. The transaction was made by PAY PAL and gave me no type of invoice.

Instruction num 3

Answered a survey on the quality of the service the web site was giving me on which I commented:

I just want to suggest a 3 dimensional picture in the catalog, cause I still didn’t know if my new baby is fat or thin.

And so I clicked the last enter on the web work and had to wait one hour for my e –mail authorization form to arrive. I was still very awake and decided to watch some Muppet Baby Cartoon Re-runs on the internet just to get into the mood for my new baby. One whole hour passed and so I opened my e-mail inbox site….it read:

CONGRATULATIONS Mr. RICCI YOU ARE NOW THE PROUD OWNER OF A JAPANESE INTELLIGENT BABY, YOUR INQUIRY WAS APPROVED SUCCESFULLY. YOUR BABY WILL ARRIVE IN A MAXIMUM OF 30 DAYS FROM TODAY.

I could not control my excitement!!! ANNIKA!! ANNIKA!!! WAKE UP!!! (it was 5:35 in a Tuesday morning) I BOUGHT A BABY ON THE INTERNET!!!!!!
She said what??? You bought what??? a baby?? What the hell?? What are you talking about???

8:45 am after a really big discussion on ethics and morality bla bla bla I finally convinced her to let me have it.

Our lives together became a little bit disturbing concerning my new acquisition, so I avoided the topic with her as much as possible, but still some (she says a lot) comments concerning the baby aroused in my everyday talk. Every time a comment found its way out of my heart Annika would just begin to argue with me about how this was all wrong and morals.. and babies are not toys… blab u blab la wa wa wu wa azzabayan…!!!But I should say that even though I was probably disturbing to her at moments she still supported me and most important loved me!

The day came ..30 days after my approved e-mail

Day 31 no update of the baby situation…

Day 32 still nothing..

Day 33 I was then beginning to worry….

Day 34 I couldn’t deal with the pressure…. I had to find out why I still didn´t have my baby!!!

I called the 01-800-BABY4U service center…No help there..

Day 35 I was very pissed off!!!

Day 36 I was even more pissed off!!!!

That was it, I said. I wrote an e-mail to the sales department demanding information on my baby. The next day I received an e-mail saying:

Dear Mr. Ricci:
Concerning the where abouts of your package, we inform you that baby num. HARIM878 is currently on the NEPAL mountains stuck in a snow storm as he was being transferred to a big fee to support the cost of maintenance of the package. We hope you will soon receive your package within at least 10 days from now, thank you for contacting us, we are glad to help!

ANNIKA!!!!!! WHY IS MY BABY ON NEPAL???? (I had to argue with somebody.. that’s the truth) So we argued and argued as I was getting even angrier at the fact that I trusted the internet company to get my baby on time!!! NOT ONLY THAT but that I had to pay an additional 40 euros! It was almost the same cost of the delivery!!! It just wasn’t fair! I did everything they asked me and paid in full for the service before even receiving my merchandise!

Now Annie.. well she was just pissed at me for everything concerning me and what she called “the most stupid idea since jarred cats”.

I paid the extra money, of course I did. Now I had to wait for another 10 days.
The 10 days were due, and still not a word or a gu gu from any intelligent Japanese baby in my house. I was more pissed than ever! I spent more than 4 hrs trying to get a hold of a phone number I could call and get real information concerning my Japanese intelligent baby. I finally did… the number of the manager in turn was called APIT.


The phone call went as follows….
--- ring ring… ring ring…

-Yes ! Good Evening sir my Name is APIT HAMIT how can I be of service to you?

-HI APIT, IS APIT YOUR NAME?

-Yes


-WELL APIT you see I bought a baby on the internet more than 50 days ago and I still don’t have it… 10 days ago they said he was stuck in NEPAL with some Shermans and they asked me to deposit an additional 40 euros to absorb the maintence of the package, which I DID!! Then they said that he would arrive in less than ten days! Those ten days are due and I HAVE NO BABY!! I WANTO TO KNOW WHERE THE HELL IS MY PURCHASE!!!

-I m So Sorry sir, let me look for your baby, what code name did he have?

-HARIM878

-(pause as I listened to the song BABY ON BOARD)

- Yes sir? Are your still there?

-YES WHAT NEWS DO YOU HAVE OF MY BABY!!!

- Well sir I an so sory to inform you that your baby is currently lost somewhere in the mountains with a probability of locating it raises only up to 30%, We as our company committed to our clients will give you a complete refund immediately unless you are willing to trade this baby for another one.

-WHAT!!! HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU LOOSE A BABY???? I WANT MY INTELLIGENT JAPANESE BABY not ANOTHER ONE!!!

-I’m afraid there is nothing I can do Sir… would you still like your refund?

- SHOVE THE REFUND UP YOUR ASS YOU FUCKEN PRICK!!!

- teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

A week has gone by and I still can’t overcome this unpleasant experience of buying online.. I swore I would never buy anything online…

SSShhhh after all this awful experience I could only sit back and learn from this situation and share this wise insight with the world…

YOU CANT TRUST COMPANIES THAT SELL YOU MERCHANDISE ON THE INTERNET!!